Heaven On Earth

Today is December 31 and for the past 10 days I have had time to be with my sister Katie and her three beautiful children, James, Matthew and Sarah and several other sisters Rebecca, Bridget, one of my brother's Christopher and mom and dad. In our time together we eat, play, eat, play, sometimes rest, play, eat more, laugh a lot and finally fall into deep restful slumber. Children live so much in the present that I am amazed by the moments of joy, sudden out bursts of screams, the play that turns into a knock down fight and then fun again. It happens from moment to moment. In these 10 days or so, I find that the expression "this too shall pass" becomes so evidently true that I learn to just stay present so that it does not pass to quickly and experience life unfold in perfect moments. I could reflect on this past year, alas, my greatest reflection is that life is now and it is now. I take a moment to write a final blog in 2008 knowing deep gratitude for heaven on earth is here in this moment and all of the moments that have brought me to now. Happy New Moment.

Meditation for rebirth

As I sat this morning in quiet meditation in front of my beautiful Christmas tree and lit candles I found the peace that I needed for this day. Life has been going at a hectic pace and even this morning I woke up with many things on my mind. As I began the rush of another day, I chose to slow down, to sit down and to begin a thirty minute meditation. Often my meditation begins as this morning, requesting forgiveness, offering deep gratitude and then silencing the requests, the mental to do lists and any other mental chatter so that I can sit in quiet. I have moments of complete silence and peace and then the to do lists return and then I go back to moments of silence an ebb and flow and being fine with both. This morning was my best present for this Christmas season as it reminded me of the silent night that, as Christians, we believe our salvation was born. For me the mystery of the birth of Christ is my time to rebirth myself into a new way. To become more gentle, more forgiving, more loving and more present to all. Merry Christmas.

Decorations for Jesus

Here it is a time when we see more emphasis on taking God/Jesus out of the world and yet I love that the world decorates for Jesus' birthday. It seems that all of our differences end for the celebration of the birth of Jesus. Whether prophet, Son of God, or Jewish boy, all of us want to celebrate His Birthday with great fanfare. Look at all of the lights, the ribbons, the greenery and bows, the music, the gift wrapping.
Is it possible, that the gifts we give to one another are really our desire to give something back to this baby who is the salve to our human suffering and our hope for an eternity of joy. Joyful is this season of celebration and grateful am I that everyone decorates for world is more beautiful.

Finding Joy

Yesterday was the third Sunday of Advent, referred to as Gaudete. The Latin Gaudete is translated as Rejoice, Rejoice in the Lord always, and again I say, rejoice; let your forbearance be known to all, for the Lord is near at hand; have no anxiety about anything, but in all things, by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be known to God. The holiday period has been known to be stressful and this year it has been particularly stressful. My stress due to very demanding work matters that are unceasing right now, too many commitments with friends that have kept me from time to refresh my energy and the macro conditions in the world that concern all of us. My last guest will leave this morning and sad to say it is with much relief as I believe I have just over done it. I can give with joy when there is moderation in my own life and this weekend was anything but moderation. We all experienced excessive partying, visiting, travelling to events and coming home to more people. This past weekend was too full for me causing me to lose the joy of the day especially on Sunday night when I returned home and was so physically and emotionally drained. I woke up this morning still joyless. My very nature is JOY. However I have neglected the garden of my heart and instead of being a joyful hostess, I was crusty, bitter and joyless. My JOY will return, even now, it is present as I soften my eyes, lift my spine, and smile, my outward movements, an intentional breath- inhale, pause, exhale and there, in this moment my joy is present. What is lost in excess activity is found in awareness of this moment. Rejoice, the Lord is near, in fact She is breathing me even now.

The Moon Followed Me Home

Last night after a long day at the office I began my commute home and there she was big, bright and shining, our beautiful moon. So I drove along 101 south and outside my left window she followed me and she even reflected her glow from the water right into my car. Through heavy traffic we travelled and we smiled she at me and I at her. We, my moon and I exited the freeway and now she was behind me enabling the darkness in front of me to reveal the brightest star in the sky. Was this the same star that led the wise men to Jesus? I thought, hmm the moon, so humble, letting the star shine on our salvation. Often the songs refer to the Holy night when the stars were brightly shining, and tonight I realized that Jesus was like both the moon in her humility and the star in her brilliance. We wish you a Merry Christmas in this season of LOVE and PEACE, the gift of the moon and the stars who shine on our salvation.

Life's Busyness

I sat in observation of people on cell phones, blackberry's and other handheld devices as I rode the shuttle bus from the car rental return to the airport following a long two days of client meetings and dinners. All around me the busyness of life was present. I too fill every minute with work, activity, calls, cleaning, thinking, and transacting something. Often I want to slow down and just be. Although, as I have pondered in what little time I find for the thinking rather than the doing, I realize that my own busyness is sometimes a gift. This is contrary to my spiritual being that longs for meditation, silence and peace of mind. The joy of busyness is that I have a sense of purpose, contribution and of expansion to focus and learn challenging new things. I find that the busyness is not only bearable but necessary for my life's quality. In the infrequent time of day dreaming about just being, I know that I appreciate just being more following productive living. In the end I appreciate the quiet and peaceful moments more because of my productive "busy" living.

Healing with Companions

My friend Dana had 5 of her lady companions and her daughter for a yoga class and dinner on Tuesday night. Dana had bid on a private yoga class at a silent auction and won and hence she gathered her friends for a lovely night. We found the yoga practice rigorous and yet healing but the real healing came from the dinner and the sharing in the breaking of the bread that followed our yoga. One woman was dealing with hot flashes from menopause, another woman revealed her a challenging marriage to a man that was not kind and obviously had caused long term suffering, and another woman shared her story of the struggle with raising teenage children. One woman's daughter had just gotten engaged to a lovely young man and their family was excited about the upcoming wedding. We shared secret recipes of the soups Dana and her daughter made and covered other topics that brought insight for dealing with menopause and some of life's other matters.

As we sat at Dana's lovely table and ate as companions joy became apparent. I use the term companion deliberately as I love its Latin root "Companionem," which was, "one with whom you would eat bread" -- "Con" (with) and "Pan" (bread) -- presumably, your "companion" was someone with whom you would "break bread." Dana, thank you for your companionship and sharing your companions with all of us. In the breaking of bread my heart is lighter and my soul is healed.

Why Obama

My nephew Matthew, soon to be 9 years old, asked my why I was voting for Obama. He lives in Texas and his family is true "red". What Matthew does not know is that while we are young we follow our parents or peers' views. So when I was young I would vote exactly as my parents for I trusted their integrity. As an adult, I must trust myself to choose with integrity. Based on what I hope for the future, for Matthew's future, I began researching more of what it was about Obama that called me to vote for him. It really was nothing against McCain; it is more that Obama represents a hopeful change. A change that will make not only the US better but the world. Obama does not seem red or blue. Obama captures what I hope to be the future of America which is really no longer red or blue but purple, the blend of the best of both the red republicans and the blue democrats. America's borders surrounded and "protected by water" no longer need to be protected but to protect the entire world's freedom. For me I have become hopeful for a global republic, based on the concept that sovereignty resides in the people, who delegate the power to rule in their behalf to elected representatives and officials. We need to choose wisely all leaders.

I would say I am both republican and democrat as I want government "these leaders we choose" that supports people and supports peoples' ability to achieve success measured by freedom for all rights. However, as we have seen with the financial crisis we are in, we need a just government made up of people with integrity to doing the right thing. Do we raise taxes? Probably we need to raise taxes. Why? We have a war to fund, we have our collapsed banking and capital markets system without it's propping up by "the people" (the people being defined as the taxpayers), all companies big and small would not meet payroll.

It's a huge cycle of dependence and responsibility. We depend on every person, particularly those leading companies and countries to have integrity and for us "the people" to have integrity. Both candidates have the capacity to lead, both candidates have the capacity for integrity. Who is the best choice, for me I choose Obama for his integrity to his campaign focus and for the work he did as senator and his commitment to the poor. Obama recognizes that poverty whether here in the US or globally affects all of us. As people become fed and housed and educated, they desire better lives and wants; everything we call the "American dream". Obama will embrace the Millennium Development Goal of cutting extreme poverty around the world in half by 2015, and he "we" will double our foreign assistance to $50 billion to achieve that goal. He "we" will help the world's weakest states to build healthy and educated communities, reduce poverty, develop markets, and generate wealth. This too will cost us tax dollars, but in the end we will all have better lives if everyone has a better life.

I think we need a change in the government, in corporate business leadership and in us. A change of attitudes where people have integrity to truth, to justice and to caring for one another. We need to change ourselves and take personal responsibility for living beyond our means, for being complacent in our work, our eating, our religious commitments, and our personal commitments.
I am choosing to be personally responsible to my vote and to the winner whoever it is, so that we galvanize as a country and become once again a people who represent freedom for all.

The Mad Scientist

Last night was Halloween and it is one of my most favorite nights as I love to put on my warm pajamas, have a glass of wine maybe two, light my candles and eagerly greet the children who come to the door. A little power ranger and his spider man brother were first and then the little princess and batman brother, my neighbors children and then of course a variety of others including a great "Jack" from the jack in the box commercial, quite clever. His friends helped him maneuver down the porch steps, as he was certainly top heavy. The highlight of the night was a little 9 year old (I asked him his age), dressed as a mad scientist. What made him special was that he played the character, and without saying trick or treat he stated that he carried a smoking pipe which he reached into his little white lab coat and pulled out to show me. Over his arm hung a little green umbrella and he carried a simple "green" bag about the size of what you would carry for your lunch. I called to Joe to come see our little scientist who also had some back streaks across his delicate face, suggesting a scientific experiment had exploded and our scientist told us he had many experiments that did not go quite work so well. My night felt complete for I had seen the face of God dress as a mad scientist and I will fondly remember him forever.

White Space

I was in a meeting yesterday regarding data centers and for one particular client they had so space/capacity for more information or servers/systems to accommodate requirements for a merger. The people in the room talked of their need for white space. I found this concept interesting and then thought of my own need for white space especially at that moment of total saturation into a conversation. White space we need for ourselves. Even on Monday I was speaking briefly to my neighbor who was so busy running her children to and fro that she did not have white space. White space is generally a term used in journalism to remind us to not over clutter a newspaper but to allow white space so that articles can be easily read. White space in our context yesterday was for datacenters needing more space. White space for me is finding room in my mind so as to be. Finding white space lately has been difficult: no time for walking, meditating or the calming activities that bring the mind rest and allow for white space to emerge. As I write I am experience presence and focus and so for me my white space may be now. I exhale and inhale and the white space appears.

Grace of Jessica

My niece Jessica wed Jason her college sweetheart on October 11, 2008. It was beautiful wedding weekend including the rehearsal dinner hosted by Mary Ellen and Damien, her parents. What struck most deeply about the week amidst many beautiful and memorable moments was the grace of Jessica, the bride to be. Throughout the events including time at the nail salon with many of her aunts, cousins and grandma Mickey, Jessica's humility and love for all of us was evident. Here was a bride so filled with grace, she made her day abut us. She took pictures of us. Later that evening we were together for the fall themed rehearsal dinner with beautiful white lights, candles and warm cider and Jessica and Jason visited with their priest, their friends and all of us with a gentleness and kindness. Alas, the most evident presence of grace was when Jessica was ready to depart to the church for her wedding ceremony. Jessica and her sisters and mom had prepared themselves, all but getting into their dresses including the bride so the dresses were to be placed into the trunk of the limo. Jessica was in the limo first, sitting calmly, peacefully and truly filled with the grace of God, as her sisters were in flurry of scurry as they gathered all their dresses and required accouterments as her bridesmaids. Never did Jessica seem moved in worry on running late or concern in the least. Her calm presence of mind, body and spirit grounded the sisters and probably the mother. I recall this line from 1 Corinthian's 15:3, "Grace is an attitude of God towards mankind by which He provides a benefit, without consideration of merit." Jessica presented an attitude to all of us and her husband that reflected the love of God to all of us without consideration of merit.

1000 Unshed Tears

Our friend's daughter Ariana could not find her new book that she had purchased from Scholastic Book program. It was a new yoga book that had just arrived and had she already absorbed enough so as to show us all a Sun Salutation. Ariana cried tears when she could not find the book to show me. No one could understand such tears over her book, no one except maybe me. I know that her mom had survived breast cancer and was still bald from the chemo treatments she had just finished. No one thought of her little friend's mother who was also battling a very serious illness and was in the hospital even that evening and no one was thinking about her Uncle Mark who had been in a car accident some 10 years earlier causing him to remain in a vegetative stated in a local convalescent hospital. Ariana's tears may have been at some subconscious level the 100o unshed tears of the suffering so present in the life of her immediate family. Cry them out my dear Ariana; shedding tears is watering the heart as is rainfall for the earth.

Shannon

Many thoughts this week ran through my head on matters of the heart and yet the pull of capitalism and need to work kept me from my thinking so that I could get the task list done.

This morning, however, I was again pondering the matters of the week and know that I must write. I spent time with my friend Shannon last Saturday. Here is a young woman, mother of a brand new baby daughter and toddler son and married to a man who has been on permanent disability since shortly after they wed. Shannon's spirit is filled with love and commitment to her family and her friends. She lives life fully knowing what's most important. Shannon is in great shape, here just 6 weeks ago she had Sarah and while I am huffing and puffing up and down the emerald hills in Redwood City, Shannon holds her baby daughter in a front pack while I attempt the steep hill pushing her son, Shannon lovingly says and without loss of breath, "how about I push for a while, the stroller is heavy". I of course, say nothing as I am completely out of breath and just let her take over, now that is a good friend. Shannon your spirit is alive with what I imagine my God be like. While thinking of what I value most, my family and friends came to mind and a tinge of sudden concern that God was not "first" on my list. It was in that moment inspired but something greater than I it was apparent for that the only God I know is the God in Jesus, the God in Shannon and the God within all people. Perhaps this thinking is way beyond appropriate to my Christian faith and yet, as I see God in all people all people become so much more valuable to me. Humanity becomes divine when they push the stroller, care for the sick husband and invite the friend for a walk. Who do you say that God is?

Styx Concert

Last night Joe took me to the Styx concert at the Mountain Winery venue in Saratoga. Not ever knowing which bands sing which songs, it turned out I knew most of what Styx sang. I enjoyed the evening, not only because of the music, but also because of the fans and the way the musicians deeply appreciated their fans. It was this mutual admiration that created a great sense in me of the glory of mature people manifested in this unity of music. Four decades of knowing the music, memories of the time of the genesis of Styx and the richness of the musicians' obvious commitment to their gifts of music and song writing. I could not help but observing the lady next to us who clearly was overjoyed to be there and swayed with her arms in a majestic adoration of each musician and the 4 "buddies" in front of us who clearly were enjoying a time of their own air guitar and air drum playing dance moves, making me think that at one time in their high school days they probably did these same moves in their own bedrooms while listening to Styx on the radio or the record player. Styx continued to play beautifully and not too loudly or was that my ear plugs which Joe knew to bring for me as we had seats just 5 rows from the stage. Throughout the concert Styx threw their guitar picks to a very excited crowd and at the end threw more stuff, Frisbees, "green" bags and other little items with their Styx logo and the fans and Styx seemed to be fully satisfied with the evening. I too left with Joe deeply grateful to have participated in the musical reminiscence of a was probably for most of us a time of great freedom and joy before the responsibility of maturity had begun to stifle us from the simplicity of our high school and college days.

What to Wear

As I was hanging clean laundry, I pondered what to wear for work day today and my thought was put on love. In fact it was this thought of what to wear that inspired me to write a blog entry. As I begin to realize what is most important to me, prompted by a very challenging market place, with major financial institutions failing, capital markets rapidly declining and general worldly malaise due to continued war, US presidential candidates focusing on defending themselves and attacking each other versus describing the value they bring to the US, and other world suffering, we need more love.
Wearing love brings out our best, spurs support and inspiration and ultimately can bring the world back to a place of meaningful living. Where did we go wrong, perhaps we put on materialism that has led to continued greed and in the end revenge causing a world of hurt? Today I put on love and wear it in hopes of a new day and a bright tomorrow.

Becoming Connected

In the silence of this morning, with a candle lit, I did my meditation. I have not done this in some time. In this silence, there is a peace that is beautiful and wells up from within. This past weekend I went to Burning Man, which is an annual event where people fully express themselves through art, body painting, nudity and many other forms of self expression. While Burning Man was something I resisted more than I appreciated, I did enjoy seeing and praying in a beautiful temple honoring people who have died, a tented camp with homemade instruments that I played and that amplified this tremendous melodious vibration and two sculptures of a man and woman made of metal. In my reflection even now, I know that for each there own. As for me, my full expression of Self sits in silence in a grateful state of being as the universal cosmos brings to mind all that is good and all that is and realizing with all I am connected.

The White Bench

Ryan celebrated his 7th birthday on August 22 and so I traveled to Yorba Linda to join his party. He has so many wonderful little friends who played pin the tail on the donkey, had a water balloon toss and enjoyed cake and pizza. The real celebration for me was the next day and the day after when we attended Peyton's soccer tournament in which Ryan really preferred to be home riding his scooter. He brought the scooter with us to the tournament so he could play. We watched a little of Peyton's outstanding footwork on the field and then it was off on our journey through this beautiful neighborhood in Corona, CA. Ryan would ride his scooter about 10 feet, stop and wait for me to catch up to him. He would ride again and I would walk at my less then scooter speed pace and join him by his side and this is how went until we saw the white bench. Ryan was tired and needed a rest break from all this scootering around and he spotted in someone's front yard a white bench (actually a porch swing) and it was under their shade tree. Without hesitation in "trespassing" he set his scooter on the sidewalk and walked up their sidewalk and sat peacefully in the swing and I sat beside him. We rested there for perhaps 15 minutes and then he was ready to continue. Well the tournament went on from 8am until 2pm that day and so we must have taken our little journey to this bench some 5 times resting in between our scootering and walking bliss. I don't know what heaven is like, but I hope it has a porch swing so that I may sit and rest awhile with Ryan by my side. Saturday and Sunday were heaven on earth during our journey to and fro and resting on our white bench.

Arriving in Every Moment

Arriving in every moment was our mantra for the walk that Mark and I shared this morning through our beautiful neighborhood. We contemplate matters of philosophy and then we put it into practice. This morning's reflection was to arrive in every moment and so with almost every step we created a new arrival. It was fun and playful. Now I arrive on computer and reflect that today will be an arriving into this moment and this one too and even now. What does this mean, for me, it is presence in every step, it is the joy of a new beginning in every moment and it is best thought about as when you arrive at a destination, that feeling of joy, excitement and anticipation. Arriving even as I end this blog entry is joyful!

Finding Inspiration

Last night my yoga class changed to accommodate the personal requests of several students and in the process we were all inspired to reach new depths in our practice and increase our overall well being. Inspiration comes from different places. I signed into my blog knowing that if only I begin to bring words to paper inspiration would follow and it did. What occurred in yoga was that only a few women showed up to class as several regulars were on vacation and two women had specific goals: 1 to have a "tiny hiney" and the other to strengthen her upper body. They inspired all of us to try to yoga postures and to support one another in our journey towards well being. This morning I am inspired by these women who come faithfully to class even when other obligations or choices arise. Inspiration so often comes from commitment, this morning in just signing into my blog and beginning to type, committing myself to the blog has created this entry for today. I would conclude with this observation: inspiration comes from personal commitment and may in fact inspire others.

Rest for the Restless Heart

For the past several weeks I felt restless regarding my life, including my work and my choice to remain single. Recognizing that for me sometimes my restlessness could lead to depression, I knew I needed to do something to change this feeling. Here are the little steps I took to reach out and seek help: I wrote an email to my family to seek their inspiration and my brothers and sisters quickly replied with joyful anecdotes about their families and that lifted me. I called my friend Sheila, one of the dear Murphy family members, who just by hearing her voice lifted me and who invited me camping. Then I taught my yoga class and the students lifted me and lastly in a most blessed gift, Tim, Patty, Olivia and Emily (other Murphy family members) just by chance dropped by my home on their way home from a dinner party. The joy of their presence transformed my restless heart into a beautiful awareness that all is well. In a very spontaneous and unusual decision, I took Sheila up on her offer and went camping the next evening, a Thursday and took Friday off to enjoy a most healing night and Friday day with the Murphy gals and their children. Thank you to my family and my extended family for helping me bring rest to my heart and joy to my life and see that my cup is overflowing. Surround yourself with friends and family and if you don't have friends and family make them. Good friends and good family are the greatest gifts one can have in life, for it is through them, with them and in them that the spirit of God lives and rest is found.

Unbind, inspired by Burkle

Wearing a girdle is quite binding for the body, yet we do so to create a smooth shape. What a relief I felt when I returned home after a long day and many client meetings and removed my Spanx. Just as I sat down to my computer to catch up on the long and unending work related emails my friend Burkle called and we discussed the day's work load, weekend plans and I revealed that I was relived to be freed from those Spanx. We laughed and realized that the girdle's we wear to physically constrain our body's shape became our metaphor for life's other constraints such as frustration, suffering, tension, disappointment and unfulfilled dreams. Burkle and I agreed that often we keep the girdle on too long and not allow ourselves freedom to let go and reveal the joys that are kept bound underneath our girdles of life's stress. Burkle's final words of wisdom for me, "Grecian, feel good in your own skin with or without those Spanx!"

My Family Reunion

I am home now after spending 7 days with my family for a reunion held in beautiful Arkansas. We stayed at the Mount Sequoyah Retreat Center, an alternative destination from the Treasure Cave Lodge, which had been damaged just prior to our intended arrival. Relieved that the alternative site for 28 family members descending upon my parents in just 3 days was found, we all arrived seeking connection with one another. My family includes mom, dad, 4 sisters, 4 brothers, 4 spouses, 1 partner and 14 nieces and nephews together and one related cousin of my brother Pat's wife's family. Two of my nieces were not able to attend as one is planning her wedding and the other attending college. I feel lonely without all of the daily activities arranged and led by my sister Bridget and delicious food bought and prepared by my dad and brother Damien. Each of my family members and their spouses brings unique gifts and talents to the week. I am grateful to all and most of all for my nieces and nephews whose love for play, youthful energy and love for all of us created for me a deep connection with the spirit of the living God in each of us. My loneliness is dissipating as I write this blog entry, I feel more deeply connected and a sense of joy and love is welling up within me. Alleluia for this moment and for the moments with my family this July 2008.

The Morning Hour Has Gold In It's Mouth

My parents had a wooden circular plaque that had a beautiful rooster in the center and around it were the words: The morning hour has gold it its mouth. I often thought it was odd and not worded well nor did I understand its meaning. Ah, now as an adult it deeply resonates with me. This morning I was inspired to write notes of gratitude to several friends, put out my July 4th decorative items and get caught up with bills. It is this hour or so in the early morning that I find my most clear thinking, productive way of being and deep gratitude for the day's beginning. The morning hour has gold in its mouth and that is true especially now.

Being

After reading and absorbing some of the wonderful content of Eckhart Tolle's: A New Earth, Awakening to Your Life's Purpose, I feel renewed in my spirit of fulfillment. A recurring message in many of the books and articles I am drawn to encourage living in the now, the current moment which right now is writing this blog entry. Our future is a life time of now moments. I want to be present to now moments so that I can feel life fully and also recognize the peace that exists and that is possible in each moment. Yesterday I was in Los Angeles and the meeting went longer than I had planned so I needed to find a later flight home to San Francisco. My co-worker Lisa offered a ride in her rental car, which she also needed to return and hence we were getting quite close to missing the next flight too. Lisa continued to chat away about everything related to our day, her career and seemed quite calm amidst the time clicking away. However in her moments of calm and joy, I was ok knowing that all would be well whether I made my flight or not. It was in that moment and this moment that peace was present, I just needed to be. Being is not something I am good at, doing is more of my way, as I am productive by nature. However, I found in just being that all was well and all is well. Eckhart Tolle ends his book with the reminder that there are three modalities of awakened doing - I would say being and they are: acceptance, joy and enthusiasm. I practiced acceptance and it made being.....perfect.

Knowing Oneself

Uncovering my crusty ways is hard and yet in the end liberating. Joe took me on a relationship weekend and in the "process" we discovered depth of each other that led me to deeper connection with myself and Joe. As I reflect back on this weekend and open my self to a deeper understanding of my feelings, there are areas that might be expressed as pride, judgment and unstated sadness, that get reflected in unkind words, anger or resistance and saying nothing at all and yet being frustrated, disappointed or sad. As I am able to distinguish more clearly this self from SELF and express it from my I AM way, I am able to live more fully in accepting all of me and hopefully/prayerfully/practically all of others without judgment and resistance.

Practicing Meditation

I try to practice meditation with some frequency and have found myself not taking time lately. Yet this morning I awoke to a deep desire to sit in the silence and create a calm space for God to rest. So many requests I make in prayer, I tried to sit and yet the silence was hard. I was accepted just the same and feel grateful for the practice. Thirty minutes goes by too fast and I look forward to tomorrow morning when I shall try to quiet the mind again. Meditation is a gift to ourselves and the world for as we begin to quiet ourselves, the universe whispers peace.

Subconscious Suffering

This morning as I was praying/pondering, not sure what I was doing, whatever it was caused subconscious suffering to be revealed. Some time ago I offended a relative of mine by saying the wrong thing, actually 25 years of saying the wrong things. I have been cut off from our relationship and indirectly feel cut off from many related relationships and while I often say it does not hurt, this morning it was completely at the surface and hurts deeply bringing me to tears. I find when I write I am able to purge my suffering to paper and something wonderful is happening even as I write in this moment. I am able to get the suffering out of my physical/mental/emotional system and peace reveals herself to me again. And now even wisdom in her beauty is surfacing reminding me to keep loving, to keep forgiving myself and to keep present to the moments of now and now and now where peace is here.

The Love of God Revealed When we Lift Our Veil of Humanity

Sarah Anne, my niece and God daughter graduated from kindergarten on May 23 and I had the honor of attending this celebration milestone. She is 6 years old and waved to me from the little chair she sat in at the school gymnasium for the event. She sang out loud a variety of songs and she played afterwards with her fellow students getting autographs from her friends in the book the teachers and students put together as a parting gift for kindergarten. What strikes me most are two things: the joy and freedom Sarah had for the event, her family and her friends and secondly when one of her little friends Meadow could not locate her mother, Sarah stepped out of the buffet line and walked with Meadow until she found her mother. Sarah's veil is always lifted. Perhaps her blessed youth will last forever enabling her to reveal God's love always through authentic living as expressed through her wave to the audience, loud beautiful singing and smiles for the camera along with her service to her friend and family. Sarah your sparkle is the unveiled life you live. Thank you for including me in your life. What veil keeps you from living in a more authentic way for yourself and your family? Lifting the veil to full expression is the revelation of the SELF in all its glory.

The Power of Spirit

In reading the May 16 article by Father Ron Rolheiser, an Oblate father who writes for San Francisco Catholic paper, I am reminded of the power of the spirit. Fr. Rolheiser speaks of God's spirit and the spirit of those we love who pass on and how their presence is more fully felt in a different and deeper way after death. If only we can let go and let the presence of spirit fill us. In my pause of the article I became inspired that there other forms of spirit that generate from people we have met both alive currently and those who have passed into a new life. This is the spirit of love, joy, peace and compassion. We even speak in terms of the spirit of these ways of being. My sister Katie is here visiting from Texas and was not feeling good at all last night. As I prayed to God to help her, my own spirit of service and compassion was stirred as if God was moving me into helping her. My observation is that this spirit, in this case of service and compassion is really truly the visible presence of God's spirit. When we pray and are moved to action, the power of the spirit is alive in us. The power of the spirit is strengthened through action. The gifts of the Holy Spirit as referenced in Isaiah's book include: wisdom, knowledge, counsel, fortitude, understanding, piety and fear of the Lord (also referred to as wonder and awe in God). I would add to these as love, joy, kindness, compassion, service, and peace.
Remember YOU GOT SPIRIT YES YOU DO. Use it and the gates of heaven open on earth.

The Breath Breathes You

Close you eyes and become aware of your breathing. Allow yourself to become the observer of your own breath, the inhalation and the exhalation and in moments you will see the calm, quiet, stillness as you realize the breath is breathing you. As a teacher of yoga and a woman who has sought peace her whole life, I have discovered in that past several years that peace has been present all the while. It is mostly that we are not aware of it being present because we are busy with life doing, playing, resting, working and living. It is possible in all these activities of being, that we can bring awareness to the presence of peace as we quiet the mind and bring our awareness to our breathing in and our breathing out and our pauses in between. Today, allow yourself to begin the practice of noticing as the breath of life breathes YOU.

SF's Most Holy Redeemer Parish " The Living Temple of God"

Several weeks ago my sister Bridget, her partner Amy and several of my brother Christopher's friends celebrated Christopher's birthday. We started the morning with mass at Christopher's parish in SF called Most Holy Redeemer. The readings and gospel were essentially about the temple, not the physical structure but the temple that is us, where the Holy Spirit dwells. This concept was well elaborated through the eloquent sermon the pastor gave to the parishioners. But the real essence of this message was alive in the people of Most Holy Redeemer parish. Even when we arrived at this beautiful Catholic Church located in the Castro district of SF, we were greeted by most loving men who offered us name tags so that we could get to know people. We then sat in our pew and the gentlemen next to us greeted us joyfully giving me a personal feeling of true welcome. Then the music begins, the loud voices singing the praises of their love of God and one another. This parish was truly alive with the Holy Spirit; you could feel the presence of God in every person. What does that feel like? I felt loved, I wanted to be more loving and my own temple felt as if it was being hugged by everyone in the church. Even as the weeks pass by since that lovely day with Christopher, Bridget, Amy, Gary, John, Chris and Marcus, the feeling of the Living God is present. Thank you Most Holy Redeemer parish men and women for opening your temple to all of us.

Life in it's Fullness

Since my last blog, I have been to Hawaii, Japan, hosted a wedding shower and numerous house guests, taught 2 yoga classes, attended church planning meetings and set up for a party to be held today at the church auditorium and of course a full time job squeezed into the above mentioned activities. Life is full and suddenly in this quiet morning I hear birds' singing joyfully this early morning as they begin to their day. It is the birds' song that provides my inspiration to write. How often does life get so full that we miss the birds, the flowers blooming and the people with whom we share our life? I rush from activity to activity and sometimes can't fully appreciate the moments of life as I am racing to the next event. However, this morning as birds sing, I quiet my mind, contemplate my blog and realize in this moment I am in states of peace, presence and awareness that the breath of life is breathing me into a new day and I recognize the fullness of life in all it's glory.

My Brother Survived Cancer and now he Lives

This little email sent from my brother Patrick on March 24, describing his Easter weekend is the story of his resurrection and one I will cherish forever as a reminder Easter in 2008.

I climbed San Gorgonio this weekend (11,500 feet).
Summit achieved!
Friday, 7 mile approach hike with full pack from parking lot to Dry
Lake, roughly 60% on snow covered trail. Slept in the snow with tent. It
was 9 degree in the morning when we got up.
Saturday, summit day, was 3.5 hours (5 miles up) of steep mixed ice and
snow, mostly hard snow the last third of the climb. Used ice ax and
crampons for only second time in my life.
Spent an hour on the summit. Drank a beer and ate sandwiches and smoked
oysters. Returned to camp, drank another beer, packed up and hiked out.
Total mileage on Saturday was 17 miles. I am still grinning.
Soaked my toes in the ocean yesterday. Snow one day, beach at sea level
the best. California living!
Thanks
Pat

Remaining

Today is Holy Thursday which signifies the Last Supper and for the Jewish faith the celebration of the Passover. There is much more to this Holy Day than I can begin to ponder, yet for today my thoughts are on the various characters of the evening. We have Jesus of course who sits with his disciples and shares a meal and reminds us to share a meal often in his memory. There is Peter whose fear is revealed as the night begins to unfold and he denies knowing Jesus and yet later weeps for himself in his lack of courage and for his love of his beloved Jesus. There is Judas the betrayer who also later deeply regrets his action and motive and kills himself surely to be resurrected in the end and then the women who remain who stay and watch and pray. Each character at points in my life is revealed hosting meals with friends, denying Life, when afraid, betrayal to integrity when greedy and remaining even when peace seems distant. Today on this Holy Thursday I will remain with our Lord in prayer and in service to each other in memory of Jesus who represents Life even through death.

Knock and the door shall open

Joe and I took a trip down memory lane two weeks ago. We went to Colorado Springs to see the hangar where he fixed his first jets and then to his first home. When we got to his little Tudor home two overgrown juniper trees hid the front the door, the paint was just as Joe, his mother and father had left it when they painted it some 22 years ago. Joe said shall we knock and I timidly agreed and am glad I did. To our great surprise, Susan who had purchased this home from Joe and his wife at the time, was still the owner and warmly welcomed us in. She immediately recognize Joe who she had only met once and as she turned to grab something on an antique bookshelf, she said "oh, I think these are yours", referring to two old photographs she had saved all these years. They were Joe's and thus began an hour visiting with this very warm woman. She had not changed anything in the house, barely even cleaned it, however despite the physical wear and tear of the home, Susan's unencumbered nature was the blessing of the trip. Meeting this woman who was free from the worldly necessities was loving, kind, welcoming and well holy. I realized I was in the presence of the divine named Susan. I learned two valuable things on this trip with Joe, be not afraid and knock and the door shall be opened.

The Lenten Journey

It was the temptation Jesus overcame in the desert. Being tempted with bread and with power and yet Jesus said no to the tempter. Jesus knew that He could live without food and without power for He knew something greater. Becoming aware of what is actually possible during Lent, when more fully understood then becomes possible beyond the 40 days of Lent. It can become a way of life: overcoming temptations for something greater. To struggle courageously against temptation is one of the most meritorious acts we can perform; and once we have triumphed with God's grace, we can repeat it. As quoted from: Aristotle "I count him braver who overcomes his desires than him who conquers his enemies; for the hardest victory is the victory over self."
Are we tempted to carry grudges our whole life as a justification for some wrongdoing done to us, or can we over come the temptation through forgiveness of ourselves and those that may have hurt us knowingly or unknowingly. Are we tempted by excess drinking, doing, living versus using moderation and temperance? Are we tempted to justify our lent through giving up meat only to have a juicy lobster tail on Friday.
Upon deep reflection during my Lenten journey, to overcome the temptation for sharing the juicy stories in the form of gossip will be what I practice giving up during this season of Lent. By doing it for 40 days, I hope that I become more thoughtful in my speech the other 325 days. Think of what you are tempted by most: pride, gluttony, greed, jealousy, anger, sloth or something only you can name? As you begin to discover what tempts you most, it is this that we should practice giving up to discover the real value of Lent comes when we overcome temptation and live more fully.
Sometimes it is easier to not eat meat then to deal with the real temptations that cause suffering for us and others. In the end as Sir Edmund Hillary states, "It is not the mountains that we conquer, but ourselves." When we overcome our self we find our SELF.

The Woman at the Well

Today's gospel reading at mass was about the Samaritan woman who meets Jesus at the well and He offers her living water. Our priest did a beautiful reflection on this, one of my favorite gospels. As a devout follower of Jesus Christ, the woman at the well reminds me that Jesus called her to be one of the first to drink from his "living water", the well spring that dwells in our hearts to inspire hope, joy and life to the fullest. Jesus called her to be one of the first disciples. I joke among my friends that the Catholic Church is run by the "old boy network" and indeed it is. I am convinced that Jesus calls us all to lead our church community as men and women to bring the living water to all. Further, the priest eluded that in Jewish times men and women met at the well to meet a spouse - WOW. I never knew that and the symbolism for me a single woman in love with Jesus finds this whole meaning even more touching as I have sought God as my spouse and since that pursuit have found love in everyone I meet well pretty much. So today my blog offers you an image of the well, drink deeply, be inspired to be living water for yourself and for those who need your compassion, forgiveness, kindness, service and any act of love possible. P.S. I relish joy with James, my nephew, who placed 5th in a math contest yesterday.

Listening with the HEART

So often we long to talk and share our stories, problems, views, opinions and ramblings. However, as a long time sales representative we practice the art listening so that clients are heard and that we are able to understand the challenges they face in order that we might essentially sell them goods or services that can solve their problems. In the process we learn that listening for information is one part of understanding issues/concerns however another deeper level is listening from the heart. This allows sales people to begin to develop a relationship with a client so that we can continue to dialogue over time and eventually become the trusted advisor. At the heart level we not only hear the concerns but we may be able to feel/recognize the underlying cause of a story, view, opinion and rambling. We begin first by practicing listening, restating what we heard, asking clarifying questions and then moving into deep listening, watching the subtleties of the body movement, eye movement, and emotions behind words. In this deeper level of listening we quite literally get into the shoes of the other person. As sales people this is a developed skill and therefore is possible for all people to develop the art of listening with the heart. While it is useful in sales, the real value comes when we practice listening with the heart in all our personal relationships. This skill develops lasting relationships built on trust, confidence, compassion and love. P.S. This is the same way in quiet meditation that we come to know the Self and hear from our God the answers to our own challenges.

The Will of God

As a Catholic there is often training, sermons and other catholic instruction on doing the will of God. Even up to age 38 I really wondered what is God's will, and what does it mean for me "to do the will of God". Questions for me included whether God's will was for me to marry or not, keep my career or give it all up for the poor, even buying a home versus living more simply, these were my questions concerning what is God's will. This question of "what is God's will became a source of anger with this God who did not talk to me about what I should do with my life and Who never seemed to save people who needed food, safety, shelter and other needs even more serious than these. I wanted answers from this God. After much frustration, fret and confusion, an answer finally came through meditation, prayer, reading and spiritual direction: God's will was to love. This understanding has brought clarity, peace and joy in my life. God's will for us to love enables me to make choices to love and out of love in everything. This is practical advice and can be better translated as prayer into action e.g., calling someone who may come to my mind in prayer, providing food and or money to a homeless person and when I am personally worried about a family member or friend providing loving service to help them. God's will, once fully understood and lived, brings a peace that truly is lasting. We must be the arms, legs, hands and heart of this God that is somewhere unknown and yet revealed in love.

Brilliance from Comedians and Their Audience

Last night I went to see Maria Bamford and several other comedians performing at the Punchline in San Francisco. She provided much comic relief through a range of talent in voices, humor and hand movements for all of us. The others were also enjoyable to see. I have not generally enjoyed going to comedy shows as I feel the tension/anxiety of the performers when people don't get or don't laugh at the jokes. However, this was my third time at the Punchline and what I observed is that the audiences have always been supportive of the performers so much so I could feel the generous hearts of the audience and frequent joy found in the laughter of the audience from the humor of the performer. The power of people to provide support or to denigrate comes at individual levels however the energy then enables the whole crowd to emerge within that supportive acknowledgement. Last night and the two times before the brilliance of the performer and the audience made for a beautiful fun and positively energizing evening. I truly admire comedians and the courage, intelligence and generosity of their authentic mind revealed for all of us to see and enjoy.

New England Patriots will Find Peace

No doubt the New England Patriots tossed and turned while trying to sleep last night following their loss to the New York Giants in the Super Bowl. While not really a football fan, I did attend a lovely super bowl party and after much joyful visiting with others like me who were not interested in the game, we all stopped to watch the final 10 minutes and found it exciting, even jumping up when an awesome catch by one of the NY giants was made, never losing hold of that ball even at the expense of falling hard on his back - wow what a grip! However, this article is about the finding peace for both sides as the Patriots grieve the loss of a perfect season and the Giants relish a powerful win. Getting rest for all of us when things are heavy on our minds, hearts and bodies can be difficult. The disappointment for the Patriots is what caused me to write. Last night as I tucked into bed I prayed that the players would find rest through their disappointment. My prayers continued to a larger population, including people who suffer as victims of global struggles. These would include victims of violent crimes, parents who are losing children to serious illness or sudden accidents, people who suffer hunger in the world, soldiers fighting for causes unknown and masses of people dying from genocide. While the Patriots loss is disappointing for them and their fans, this will pass as the Patriots and all of take on a larger view of the real disappointments in the world and work to defeat poverty, injustice and loneliness. Peace follows when we embrace the world's struggles and work towards justice for all.

Missed Opportunities

So today I ponder missed opportunities when one does not act and then regrets. Sometimes there are big issues such as marriage proposals and other times just getting a chance to go buy a pair of shoes on sale. My nature is to think to much before acting and in the process missing out on some great opportunities. Some 6 years ago I changed all that by beginning to just say YES as often as possible and finding that in my YES's much happens that is good, fun and opens more doors. One big example is leaping into the big mortgage and owning my beautiful little cottage. I was afraid for so long that I would be overwhelmed by the house payment and yet I have grown into it and find my home a great source of joy. Another time my sister needed surgery and what should have been an out patient procedure turned into several days of needed recovery before returning home. She needed someone to stay with her and so without any hesitation I canceled appointments for work and found that staying with Katie became a blessing to my own life, discovering that all things are possible including finding a substitute yoga instructor 2 hours prior to the class. The last and most profound gift of acting quickly was when my Aunt Nadine was dying of cancer and know one knew how long she would live and my mother suggested that perhaps we make visit and so that day I made arrangements to fly down to Southern CA and see her. She died a week a later. To this day, I am so grateful that I acted and did not miss the opportunity to see her one last time in this life. Say YES and find great energy, joy and certainly peace.

Just a Note

Note to Blog - I have not made time to write, but alas I made a commitment to my mother Shirley. I told Shirley I would have an entry today and so here are my random blog thoughts for today. Integrity to your word. If you say you will so something, do it. This is something easier said than done and YES Pun intended. This power of word is to actually live it and it becomes flesh. I told my mother today I would have an entry and so the word has been made into reality by completing this entry. I want to ponder the power of words more deeply and will do so in a later blog entry.

Weeding to Heal the Heart

Yesterday I had a need to dig in my garden, to weed, to prune the plants to dig in the soil and to heal my heart. I was sad over many things which I will not mentioned here in my blog. In the weeding of my garden my soul found healing and peace. This morning I ponder how or why this occurs for me. When I am in my garden time passes quickly, my mind is present to the weeds, the dirt, the need for water and clipping and ideas of what to plant. In these thoughts and work in my garden my heart heals. Perhaps it is a reflection of the paradise the garden of eden depicts. The paradise of life in our infancy and youth when the growth occurred with simple needs as food, water, shelter and play. In the simplicity of the physical labor in caring for my garden wisdom and clarity comes. The joy of knowing these little plants no matter how neglected, cold and dreary they look, I know that they come to life fully and more abundantly with just a little care. So today I meet the world with just a little more care and my healed heart becomes healing for those in the garden of daily life.

My Soul Dances with God

Ah, during meditation this morning which followed by brief asana practice, I seem to be rooted in joy. For as I meditated on my inhalations and my exhalations I breathed in the universe's calm and I exhaled my energetic joy. In the end after brief moments of awareness on the breath, enabling the quietness of my thoughts it was then as though I was dancing with God. I continue to practice a regular meditation period 2-3 days per week and most times the mental chatter takes over, but the more I practice the longer the moments of calm and quiet bring such inner peace. Yet today a joyful energy took over and I danced. The sky is clear, the stars are still visible as our morning dawns, I hear birds singing and I am grateful for today.

Breaking the Crusts

I watch my nieces and nephews grow up and see each passing year their subtle and sometimes outright independence becoming part of who they are. Yet I know that underneath the outer shell of independence is the beautiful child of God that was born with fullness. I also see as my brothers and sisters age we are now 39 up to 51 years and we too have passed the independence to add other layers or "crusts" as I like to call it. These crusts consist of our defense mechanisms that hide the child within. Now my parents who are soon to be 80 and 83 seem to have begun to shed some of the crusts through their own acceptance of what is and through seeing the suffering of human kind including their children's personal sorrows over so many years. I don't like to think the key to cracking through the crusts is suffering, however I am reminded that is was through Christ's cross - his death in humanity that brought back life in the spirit. My constant prayer is that we learn to break through our own crusts through such practices as yoga, breathing, meditation, prayer, walking versus through a major dramatic event. Authentic living for those that don't remember is when you were a child and you cried the instant you were hurt, you laughed out loud in church or anywhere when something was funny and you lived so fully that your energy was unlimited until the moment you laid your head down and fell into a deep and restful sleep. Authentic living, restful sleep comes from breaking the crusts away to reveal the spirit of who you were created to be.

This Too Shall Pass

Life is full of ups and downs and as I ponder various parts of today knowing some of the struggles friends face, I am often reminded of the saying This too shall pass. I have learned to practice distinguishing moments of joy, peace, frustration, anxiety and all my range of emotions so that I can remind myself when the negative emotions arise that these too shall pass and that during what I would consider the more positive emotions/feelings that I relish those and savor them fully knowing that these too shall pass, sometimes way to quickly. Life is made up of moments strung together to create life. Life in it's fullness has peace, dissappointments and anger and love and most of all life gives us new moments even now and now and now.....this to shall pass.

EARN

This morning I read an article in the San Francisco magazine "American Dream catcher" by Chris Smith about the president Ben Mangan and the organization EARN, which stands for Earned Assets Resource Network, a brilliant way to help the poor and lower middle class get ahead. I am inspired by Ben Mangan and the founders of this organization EARN that is devoted to helping people move ahead and have opportunities. My own program started some seven years ago called HEART: Homeless Eat and Rest Tonight has stagnated over the past years or so due to a change in job locations that made it less probable for me to pass by my beloved poor who I gave sandwiches and food vouchers on my way home from work in SF. The range of poverty from zero income "homeless" to low income defined as less that $20K/year is a population we can serve, love and support so that in the hope of tomorrow all will share in the wealth that is not only monetary but a faith in oneself and ability to become fully alive. Thank you Chris for writing about Ben and EARN.

Epiphany

So my second blog to be posted today the day of Epiphany, when the wise men arrive to meet/greet Jesus, our beloved savior. So I begin with my own gift for you who read this blog. Gift giving is not one of my "gifts", I struggle to find the right thing and usually don't find it. However as I evolve both as human and a divine being I come to know that the best gifts are love, forgiveness, companionship, kindness and many other more instrinsic ways of being fully alive with Christ the giver of all. Today I will be with the Murphy's my good friends and surrogate family here in San Mateo, I will spend time with my St Catherine's community at mass and I will be with the women of Elite nails, where I will chat, laugh, rest and have my toes and nails done. So the gifts will be for thee and for me. Be inspired by your own Epiphany!

Scratchy Notes

Jan 4, 2008

So I begin to blog. Just to be blogging. Today the rain falls and the light winds create a stirring that has inspired me to begin a blog. Scratchy.