Uninspired night

I have been trying to write something meaningful but the words/thoughts are sparse. So for tonight, I reflect on just being ok in the emptiness. Perhaps, my mind is resting from the thousands of thoughts that usually keep me up or inspire me to wake up bright an early. I shall let you know in the morning as for now, good night.

Creating Balance

I am a person who does not like to miss out on anything. I just love activity and being in the thick of life. However over the years this has created a feeling of being overwhelmed, rather than the joy the activity was intended to bring. In this past year of 2010, I a made a personal choice to say no more often and to be more content in being versus doing. I have found balance in my life and balance is a true gift. The more rare occasions when I do an activity, for example having friends over for dinner, I appreciate the time more deeply or when someone at my office drops by for guidance or just to say hi, I feel more grounded and able to listen more keenly. My interactions with friends, colleague and my family are richer. I created this balance in two key ways: creating a list of 50 things I value most, something I had read or heard from Oprah 5 plus years ago, and practicing saying no to extraneous opportunities that were not congruent with this list of my values. This morning as I find time to write in my blog, I feel the balance and the joy that comes from balance.

Gift of Perspective

My brother's wife's sister is in a coma. Susie is 41 and has suffered from Lupus disease for so many years and it has taken a toll on her body and particularly her kidneys. We do not know the prognosis, we keep a prayer vigil going and in the process we find a perspective on life that allows us to be more present, to let go of minor frustrations and focus on the love of family. Our families have known each other for nearly 38 years as Susie's mother and my mother met while Susie and my brother JP were in "tot lot" at Diamond Point club where we grew up. Our mother's both have large families and their last children Susie the youngest of 7 and JP the youngest of 9 played and read together in this pre-school program. My older brother later met Mary, Susie's older sister and married. Our families have grown close as over the years we have attended Mary and Damien's children's first holy communions, birthdays, one wedding so far, graduations and other milestone events. Susie, like me, is the single aunt for our mutual beloved nieces and nephew from Damien and Mary. I could go on and on about how we know each other and yet I write to share the empathy I have for Mary as she journey's to be with Susie. I know if my own sister lay in a coma I too would feel the depth of sorrow, and uncertainty. Since Susie's illness has gone on for years it seems as the family has been through this before alas it never is easy and certainly today seems more serious than ever. Today, my perspective is a gift from Susie and her family that invites me to love more deeply, be gentler with all and let go of things that don't matter. Susie and Mary we love you and your whole family and our prayers for peace are with you all.

The Inn of Loneliness

Some 9 years ago I experienced a deep depression and wrote in my personal journal of my loneliness. I found that in writing about it, I could endure it. Now time has passed and I am able to share my insights as an observer versus as the lost soul that I was during those dark hours. I describe loneliness as an inn, a place where one goes in their suffering. I recall shouting "where are you, don't leave me" and wanting so desperately out of the darkness, confusion, doubt and sorrow. My shouts were heard by the inn keeper. My innkeeper is God. My God sustained me, held me, and would not allow me to dive into the depths alone. After all my tears, my shouts and my clenching of fists, I felt a silence that was healing. I knew that God was present. In the silence, God held me. Most of us will experience some level of depression, loneliness, or other sorrow that hurts physically and emotionally. Know that in this place, this inn as I describe, there is solace, and finally a sustainable peace. I have not gone back to the inn but I fondly keep it in mind for it was there that God held me and I emerged with a deep sense of peace.

I need you too

During my daily walk, I am usually engaged in an inner dialogue, perhaps better said a litany of requests to God for all the people who need help, healing, peace or other intention, including my own needs. Often I am so overwhelmed by the needs of my world that I will just start saying, "God, I need you, I need you, I need you". The other day, as I was experiencing the usual process which starts with the litany, then moments of deep gratitude for all that is and then moments of awareness of the birds singing, and the fragrance of the morning dew a sudden clear presence of being overcame me and I heard a voice in my heart say "I need you too." It was clear, thoughtful, not like my mind, more like a direct request from heaven, from my God who I constantly call upon in my need, saying to me "I need you too." I stopped so that even the noise from my steps would not conflict with hearing this beautiful voice, "I need you too." As I reflect on the depth of this notion of God speaking to me, I know that I can pray however I must also act. I was being called to serve, to make phone calls to those who have lost a loved one to check in and cheer them, to help lessen my colleague's workload, and to visit my friend who was recovering from hip surgery and walk with her. As I interpreted the request "I need you too," I was inspired to go out with heart, hands, ears and feet and meet some of the needs that I was in fact praying for. Oh, the world is still in great need, however, for that day and for today I will do what I can do for those in need.

Cream in my coffee

The little luxuries of life for me include cream in my coffee. Our family returned from vacation and we had leftover whipping cream that must have been purchased for some recipe. All I know is that I chilled a stainless steel mixing bowl and whipped up the cream and mmm mmm good. This home made cream is so delicious that every sip of coffee with this cream makes me feel like I am in a French café and as the sun is rising even as I write, I am well, is this heaven?

Housy Frowsy Weekend

Joe and I had a productive housy frowsy weekend as I like to call it. We purged closets, the root cellar, went through paperwork, wrote thank you and condolence notes, prepared photos to be mailed, hosted a bbq with 2 good friends and just stayed around the house. We have been on the go for so many months that just staying home felt good. In fact so good that I feel completely refreshed, ready for a productive work week, doing more for the St. Vincent de Paul Society and any other service opportunities that come along. With a delicious North Carolina pulled pork roast on the grill, I sit here writing in my blog and find that taking time for me has generated renewed commitment and love for others. World here I come.

Knowing your worth

My dad has a beautiful garden. Recently he and my mother were travelling so often to visit kids and go to Egypt that the weeds had grown a bit too much. My mother suggested he get a helper so that my dad could focus on the gardening versus the weeding. So my dad found a young high school boy who happened to also play in the high school band. My dad in determining how much to pay asked the young boy how much he wanted and the boy said I will think about it. My dad suggested $10/hour and the young man came back and said how about $8/hour. My dad in his kindness and generosity insisted he take the $10/hour. Faithfully the young man came several days and for a few hours after his band practice and meticulously weeded the garden. After several days and a super job, it was time to pay. He had worked 6 hours and said "just pay me $50". My dad said oh no we had an agreement and proceeded to pay him at the $10/hour rate plus an extra amount for a garden bag that the boy had brought from his home. Now as simple as this story seems, the moral of the story is know your worth and help others realize their worth.

The Body of Christ

Last night I attended the memorial mass for Mother Fides Sebis, Sacro Costato Missionary Sisters' Superior General. During this prayer remembrance, I looked at the faithful St. Catherine's parishioners, priests, visitors and the Sisters of St. Catherine and their lay associates and saw the beauty of Mother Fides' legacy in their committed faithfulness to God. Sr. Corina spoke of her Superior General as being faithful and being joy and peace for all who met her. Mother Fides was young, only 67, we might say too young to die. However, as I reflect this morning, she lives on through us, the body of Christ who cares for one another and continues to bring her commitment to care for the poor. There is a song with lyrics, "we are one body, one body in Christ and we do not stand alone." These words inspire me to carry on Mother Fides' smile and joy and peace to all. Mother Fides, you are missed by your beloved community, however, like Christ your spirit lives on in them and all of the body of Christ.

The road to heaven is paved with good intentions.

I baked a cake several years ago to bring to a friend who had just lost his wife. I put love into this simple gift as I added each ingredient and with each stirring of the batter and as I carefully wrapped the cake to deliver. This gift intended to reduce his suffering through its sweetness, even if only in one bite. This simple cake was clearly intended as an act of love. I can't say that all my actions are altruistic. I want to be that way but often I am swayed by other drives such as greed, wanting recognition, power, fear, and obligation. I intend for my actions to be motivated by goodness, graciousness, kindness and love. With so many demands I often become irritated, short tempered and even with best intentions for action based on goodness, my gifts of service are not seen or become hurtful as I become angry and frustrated with all that needs to be done. My joy in doing good is lost in my over commitment. Today, I will slow down, I will do what I can do, and do it with a heart intended to love. P.S., I am deeply grateful for the God I know who greets me at the end of the road, paved with my "good intentions", and loves me anyway.

Monks in the city

Monks in the city is a group I became familiar with through my friend Pierre. In Paris, there are a group of young people who work regular jobs/careers during the day and in the evening and morning share prayer and meals together. This morning while on my prayerful walk/jog, I just was thinking about how hectic life is and that I often want to join a monastery and just pray. However, as quickly as the next step came this thought as if a message from God "take action" live fully do not hide. So alas, I shall remain a monk in the city and work, and pray, and take action. Tonight I shall visit the poor through the vocation with the St. Vincent de Paul Society.

Simplification through physical space management

I am continuing the conversation around simplification. Many articles I have read suggest that simplification comes from organizing homes and work spaces, reducing clutter, eliminating excess and streamlining the flow of life. We all know in our mind that these are things we should do but where do we start. These are tips for today for simplication through physical space management.
Organizing Work Space: Start with your purse/brief case
Is your purse or briefcase loaded down, heavy and have such things as old tissue, candies or other matter that can be tossed. Clean it out!
Reducing Clutter: Now go to your desk top either home or office
Find one or two pieces of paper on your desk that you can either file, pay or toss, finding the first two items leads to the desire to do several more. Inertia says a body in motion stays in motion so move those arms and get rid of paper!
Eliminating Excess: Look in your fridge.
Hmm, surprising to most people is the fridge, filled with many old sauces, containers and food stuff that you needed for one recipe and have never touched again. Here you have two choices - either toss or pull out the old recipe and make it again. How much excess do we have in kitchen cupboards and refrigerators that cause a lack of inspiration for cooking and we end up eating junk!
Streamlining the flow of life: Stay the course
Just for today while driving just stay in one lane, no merging between lanes to bypass traffic, just stay the course. While this is true for driving, try it also for handling email; just respond to email one at a time and experience simplification as you stay the course!
These basics begin to move us into the direction of simplification. What you will discover is that as you take these simple steps, you will free space both physical space in your purse, on your desk, in your fridge and in your computer. This physical space somehow opens the heart space for more inspiration and freedom.

Simplification

Learning to say yes to what matters most. The first step in simplifying life is to know what you value and what you value most. In understanding what you value, you know when to say yes and when to say no. Learning when to say yes or no, is one of the main keys of simplifying life. Often people might say, "just say no" and this will help you reduce your commitments. However, that method often creates guilt which adds to our mental baggage and these no's create more stress. As we learn to say yes to what matters most, we experience more joy and begin to create a more simplified life.
I am inspired to write about this as I have learned first hand that simplifying my life comes from really committing oneself to things of most importance and saying no to those things that use up time and are incongruent with what we value. For today, write at least 3 things you value most? The three things I value most are my faith, family, and friends. My choices today, my yes or my no, will be based on how the requests for my time support my faith, family and friends.

A heart wide open

My heart is wide open and I feel so loved and in love with all. This morning I taught my yoga class focusing on heart openers also known as backbends. WOW. The experience during the class was so lovely and all day, even now at 5:31pm I am experiencing a sensation of well being and love. This day has been filled with love. I did almost all the things I love including making love, gardening, eating out, sitting in my garden, baking brownies, having my old neighbors just drop by to say hi, slow dancing in the kitchen while making a romantic dinner with Joe. The only thing missing is spending time with my family who I love. I am sending love to all of you from a heart wide open.

Weeding my mind

Several weeks ago while on my daily walk I noticed that my mental chatter was very negative, filled with criticism and frustrations. Suddenly I heard a bird's song that inspired alertness and being present to each step on my walk. In every step that followed I began to weed my mind of the negative thoughts. I just literally changed my thoughts first from what I needed to rid my mind of: criticisms of others, even as I write I did such a good weeding I can't remember what I all I weeded. My thoughts then changed to what reflecting on the many many good things in my life. What I do remember and still feel is that it worked. In weeding out the negative thoughts, I had space for mindfulness. Mindfulness enabled gratitude and a desire for kindness and joy. Peace followed right along and is still present. I will continue to do my periodic weeding as necessary and also water seeds of kindness, gentleness, compassion and service. I have noticed that I have had renewed energy for my St. Vincent de Paul case work and for important matters of my faith.

Reptiles

Sunday Johnny invited me to the Reptile exhibit in San Mateo. Not something I would normally consider alas how could I say no to my little 3 year old friend Johnny, JP as I call him. His middle name is Philip. His sister Sarah joined along with his mother and father Shannon and Brad. We got to see many colors and sizes of snakes, lizards some with beards, tarantulas ugh, and of course tadpoles and frogs. Johnny was delighted with everything and without fear touched snakes, put his nose right up to the glass terrariums to see lizards and other little slimy creatures and his joy became mine. He went to each booth, studied each creature with a delight that made me realize that as awful as these little reptiles were to me, they were of beauty and magnificence to Johnny and to those who ran each booth. I realized that all creation of the world really is awesome in the eyes of someone in this case Johnny. Thank you Johnny for inviting me and for letting me see through your eyes the beauty of the reptile world.

Finding time for the best parts of life

Enjoying the fruits of our labor is not an easy task in these times of much work and the many opportunities to do service whether it is for schools, church or other passions. However, carving out time to enjoy life is a key to making the other commitments a more joyful endeavor versus the feeling of being burdened. I myself say yes too often to many requests and then have a sense of frustration/irritation for not having time to be with friends and family. Over the past weeks I have made an extra effort to find time to be with family and friends and in doing so feel literally invigorated and joyful about being of service to my other commitments. Life is full and I know that in the fullness we miss some of the best parts of living. My best parts of life are being with family and friends and that has led me to more joy in all. Do you know the best parts of your life? Are you creating time for those best parts?

The changed life of a family

My sister Bridget has shared a sad story with us and asked for our prayers. One of her employees, while vacationing with his young family in Mexico, experienced a tragedy that no doubt has brings deep sorrow and pain for him and his family. While his 14 year old triplet children were jet skiing one of them crashed and was killed. Far from home, and now with the loss of a child, a changed life for this family begins. I was praying last night and thought about his daughter that died, she is at peace passing from this life into heaven. For those us that believe in heaven, we think of a place of deep peace. If only this family will see that their daughter's tragic death has enabled her to move to the peace of heaven, maybe their own suffering might be lessened. Nothing anyone can do will change what has happened. I ask all of us that believe in the power of prayerful intention, to pray that this family will not allow the loss of their daughter to bring their own lives to death here on earth. So often when one loses a child, the whole family dies from the agony of the depth of what I see as the greatest suffering, the loss of a child. I pray that they will live more fully experiencing life as the gift it is and see their daughter's new life in heaven as inspiration for creating LIFE here in this changed family. Bridget, I am continuing my vigil for this family to experience more peaceful moments than sorrow.

Folding Laundry

Folding laundry is one of my favorite meditations. It allows me to accomplish something necessary while quieting my mind in what others may consider an overwhelming task. As I fold laundry, I am present to the feel of the fabric, the effort that went into making and designing the article I am folding whether it is a towel or a pair of pajamas. I practice focusing on the piece I am folding. Those reading this might think this is insane, perhaps yes. However if you lived my life filled to the brim with activity, rushing to and fro, constant emails, phone calls and other inputs to accomplish work related matters also known as my career, those same people may consider this the real insanity. For today, folding the laundry became a blessing manifested in a simple, quiet, and restful day. Bring me another load of laundry.

Sister Sisters

Tuesday night we had the great pleasure of spending an evening of joyful celebration with our beloved Maryknoll sisters. We shared a meal, told stories of our time in Africa, and learned of the good work they are doing with the Dublin women's jail ministry, crisis centers and the teaching of liberation theology at UC Berkeley. The time passed quickly and yet in those few hours together a bond of love transformed a time of tension and chaos that I was experiencing in my work. Being with the sisters of Maryknoll and my sister Bridget was a gift that has been sustaining me this week that is filled with long hours, tension and frustration. It is amazing the ability to recall Tuesday evening into the next day as a reminder of what is most important in my life: family, friends and presence to the relationships we form with colleagues, friends and people. Sometimes we humans are so fragile; we break easily and must find healing through being with "sisters". I hope today to bring the healing of sisterhood to everyone I meet, for I am called to be a sister to my little missionary world called my career. Sr. Ruth, Sr. Nancy, Sr. Joann, Sr. Becky and Sr. Bridget, thank you.

Nick Vujicic Happy Valentine's Day 2010

I first saw him at the San Anotonia, TX airport on Feb 7, 2010, sitting across from me while waiting for our flight to Los Angeles. Suddenly I realized he had no arms and legs and yet he seemed happy. His helper and his helper's girlfriend just sat there, three friends engaged in a life that is very different then most of us will even know. A man with no arms and no legs, sitting in the airport chair, with his wheel chair and helper companion close at hand. I thought a million thoughts, how does he eat and then his companion fed him the fruit. Another man came over to say thank you for the motivational talk he must have given while in TX. Nick, whose name I found doing a Google search, greeted him with gratitude and told the man who had courageously come up to thank him, "give me a hug man". I watched amazed at Nick's grace, confidence and leadership. Nick, you inspire me. In that moment watching you get fed the fruit that you and your companions had bought, I realized I was in the presence of someone very special. As a Christian, I thought Jesus' dying on the cross was nothing compare to living a whole life with no arms and legs and yet being of the same depth of service and inspiration as Christ. I was touched by your capacity to live, to be as you are and to obviously inspire. I am grateful that I sat across from you. I am disappointed I did not have the courage to talk with you. I am moved to be more and to do it in honor of you. Keep up the great work Nick Vujicic. You have inspired more courage in me to be more than I thought I could be. Happy Valentine's Day.

Being on the yoga mat all day

In our yoga practice we begin by bringing our presence to the mat. We do this through sitting and closing our eyes and watching our breath breathe us. This simple practice allows me to feel very present and says here I am mind and body and no where else. I find that being on the mat is a place of great peace of mind and even through the rigor of the vinyasa yoga practice, my body while working is deeply rested. I even have a friend, when he sees me outside of yoga with any agitation or frustration, reminds me to get on the mat. As Judith Hanson Lasater, PhD and a founder of Yoga Journal magazine stated, "Practice and life are not that different. That's a fundamental understanding. I don't do my life any differently from what I do on the mat." This in itself is my practice to bring the peaceful presence and nowness found on the mat to the other activities my daily life.

"I will spend my heaven doing good on earth." St Therese of Lisieux

As I ponder my new year's resolutions and goals, I came upon this quotation from St. Therese, "I will spend my heaven doing good on earth." I want it to be my inspiration for this year and hopefully for life. Of course, I will continue with my goals for fitness, financial planning, household projects and spiritual development; however St. Theresa's way shall guide me this year. My father has frequently said that he has experienced heaven on earth from the love of his wife (my mother) and the joy of his children and grandchildren. No doubt, our family has been deeply blessed. This blessed way comes not only from our faith, it also is reflected through my father and mother's service and "doing good" for each other, their children, their community and even at ages 81 and 85 they continue to do good. My mother volunteers for hospice and both my parents are volunteers at church working the gift store, bringing food for receptions following the funeral of a fellow parishioner, even for those they do not know. We just shared 12 days together for the Christmas celebration and each day mom and dad would cook, bake, do our laundry, take us places, and create a most beautiful Christmas break. This has been our life, our parents doing good. I would say that St. Theresa is onto something, the more good we do, the more heaven becomes part of this life.