Tuesday, September 14, 2010

The Inn of Loneliness

Some 9 years ago I experienced a deep depression and wrote in my personal journal of my loneliness. I found that in writing about it, I could endure it. Now time has passed and I am able to share my insights as an observer versus as the lost soul that I was during those dark hours. I describe loneliness as an inn, a place where one goes in their suffering. I recall shouting "where are you, don't leave me" and wanting so desperately out of the darkness, confusion, doubt and sorrow. My shouts were heard by the inn keeper. My innkeeper is God. My God sustained me, held me, and would not allow me to dive into the depths alone. After all my tears, my shouts and my clenching of fists, I felt a silence that was healing. I knew that God was present. In the silence, God held me. Most of us will experience some level of depression, loneliness, or other sorrow that hurts physically and emotionally. Know that in this place, this inn as I describe, there is solace, and finally a sustainable peace. I have not gone back to the inn but I fondly keep it in mind for it was there that God held me and I emerged with a deep sense of peace.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

I need you too

During my daily walk, I am usually engaged in an inner dialogue, perhaps better said a litany of requests to God for all the people who need help, healing, peace or other intention, including my own needs. Often I am so overwhelmed by the needs of my world that I will just start saying, "God, I need you, I need you, I need you". The other day, as I was experiencing the usual process which starts with the litany, then moments of deep gratitude for all that is and then moments of awareness of the birds singing, and the fragrance of the morning dew a sudden clear presence of being overcame me and I heard a voice in my heart say "I need you too." It was clear, thoughtful, not like my mind, more like a direct request from heaven, from my God who I constantly call upon in my need, saying to me "I need you too." I stopped so that even the noise from my steps would not conflict with hearing this beautiful voice, "I need you too." As I reflect on the depth of this notion of God speaking to me, I know that I can pray however I must also act. I was being called to serve, to make phone calls to those who have lost a loved one to check in and cheer them, to help lessen my colleague's workload, and to visit my friend who was recovering from hip surgery and walk with her. As I interpreted the request "I need you too," I was inspired to go out with heart, hands, ears and feet and meet some of the needs that I was in fact praying for. Oh, the world is still in great need, however, for that day and for today I will do what I can do for those in need.