Uninspired night

I have been trying to write something meaningful but the words/thoughts are sparse. So for tonight, I reflect on just being ok in the emptiness. Perhaps, my mind is resting from the thousands of thoughts that usually keep me up or inspire me to wake up bright an early. I shall let you know in the morning as for now, good night.

Creating Balance

I am a person who does not like to miss out on anything. I just love activity and being in the thick of life. However over the years this has created a feeling of being overwhelmed, rather than the joy the activity was intended to bring. In this past year of 2010, I a made a personal choice to say no more often and to be more content in being versus doing. I have found balance in my life and balance is a true gift. The more rare occasions when I do an activity, for example having friends over for dinner, I appreciate the time more deeply or when someone at my office drops by for guidance or just to say hi, I feel more grounded and able to listen more keenly. My interactions with friends, colleague and my family are richer. I created this balance in two key ways: creating a list of 50 things I value most, something I had read or heard from Oprah 5 plus years ago, and practicing saying no to extraneous opportunities that were not congruent with this list of my values. This morning as I find time to write in my blog, I feel the balance and the joy that comes from balance.

Gift of Perspective

My brother's wife's sister is in a coma. Susie is 41 and has suffered from Lupus disease for so many years and it has taken a toll on her body and particularly her kidneys. We do not know the prognosis, we keep a prayer vigil going and in the process we find a perspective on life that allows us to be more present, to let go of minor frustrations and focus on the love of family. Our families have known each other for nearly 38 years as Susie's mother and my mother met while Susie and my brother JP were in "tot lot" at Diamond Point club where we grew up. Our mother's both have large families and their last children Susie the youngest of 7 and JP the youngest of 9 played and read together in this pre-school program. My older brother later met Mary, Susie's older sister and married. Our families have grown close as over the years we have attended Mary and Damien's children's first holy communions, birthdays, one wedding so far, graduations and other milestone events. Susie, like me, is the single aunt for our mutual beloved nieces and nephew from Damien and Mary. I could go on and on about how we know each other and yet I write to share the empathy I have for Mary as she journey's to be with Susie. I know if my own sister lay in a coma I too would feel the depth of sorrow, and uncertainty. Since Susie's illness has gone on for years it seems as the family has been through this before alas it never is easy and certainly today seems more serious than ever. Today, my perspective is a gift from Susie and her family that invites me to love more deeply, be gentler with all and let go of things that don't matter. Susie and Mary we love you and your whole family and our prayers for peace are with you all.

The Inn of Loneliness

Some 9 years ago I experienced a deep depression and wrote in my personal journal of my loneliness. I found that in writing about it, I could endure it. Now time has passed and I am able to share my insights as an observer versus as the lost soul that I was during those dark hours. I describe loneliness as an inn, a place where one goes in their suffering. I recall shouting "where are you, don't leave me" and wanting so desperately out of the darkness, confusion, doubt and sorrow. My shouts were heard by the inn keeper. My innkeeper is God. My God sustained me, held me, and would not allow me to dive into the depths alone. After all my tears, my shouts and my clenching of fists, I felt a silence that was healing. I knew that God was present. In the silence, God held me. Most of us will experience some level of depression, loneliness, or other sorrow that hurts physically and emotionally. Know that in this place, this inn as I describe, there is solace, and finally a sustainable peace. I have not gone back to the inn but I fondly keep it in mind for it was there that God held me and I emerged with a deep sense of peace.

I need you too

During my daily walk, I am usually engaged in an inner dialogue, perhaps better said a litany of requests to God for all the people who need help, healing, peace or other intention, including my own needs. Often I am so overwhelmed by the needs of my world that I will just start saying, "God, I need you, I need you, I need you". The other day, as I was experiencing the usual process which starts with the litany, then moments of deep gratitude for all that is and then moments of awareness of the birds singing, and the fragrance of the morning dew a sudden clear presence of being overcame me and I heard a voice in my heart say "I need you too." It was clear, thoughtful, not like my mind, more like a direct request from heaven, from my God who I constantly call upon in my need, saying to me "I need you too." I stopped so that even the noise from my steps would not conflict with hearing this beautiful voice, "I need you too." As I reflect on the depth of this notion of God speaking to me, I know that I can pray however I must also act. I was being called to serve, to make phone calls to those who have lost a loved one to check in and cheer them, to help lessen my colleague's workload, and to visit my friend who was recovering from hip surgery and walk with her. As I interpreted the request "I need you too," I was inspired to go out with heart, hands, ears and feet and meet some of the needs that I was in fact praying for. Oh, the world is still in great need, however, for that day and for today I will do what I can do for those in need.

Cream in my coffee

The little luxuries of life for me include cream in my coffee. Our family returned from vacation and we had leftover whipping cream that must have been purchased for some recipe. All I know is that I chilled a stainless steel mixing bowl and whipped up the cream and mmm mmm good. This home made cream is so delicious that every sip of coffee with this cream makes me feel like I am in a French café and as the sun is rising even as I write, I am well, is this heaven?

Housy Frowsy Weekend

Joe and I had a productive housy frowsy weekend as I like to call it. We purged closets, the root cellar, went through paperwork, wrote thank you and condolence notes, prepared photos to be mailed, hosted a bbq with 2 good friends and just stayed around the house. We have been on the go for so many months that just staying home felt good. In fact so good that I feel completely refreshed, ready for a productive work week, doing more for the St. Vincent de Paul Society and any other service opportunities that come along. With a delicious North Carolina pulled pork roast on the grill, I sit here writing in my blog and find that taking time for me has generated renewed commitment and love for others. World here I come.